Graduating Without Honors, How Does it Feel?

Graduating Without Honors, How Does it Feel?

Posted by Rachel on May 02, 2019 in College,

Disappointing.

Not for me, but for the people who expected so much from me. I know I have disappointed them. And it hurts. A lot.

My name on the yearbook will forever be without a title, without an honor to remember.  When people would look at me, they wouldn’t think of me as smart because I don’t have a badge to prove it.

Did I want to graduate with honors? I have never really thought about it. I was busy living in the moment and surviving from the crippling lures of anxiety that I never really thought about it.

I guess you can say, it’s not important to me. That’s okay. But when I go out of my head and into reality, I realize that it is very very very important to people and to society. Yikes! I didn’t make it. What now?

Sometimes I would sit and think to myself, am I intelligent? Because lately, I have been feeling that I am not. However, when I look to Scripture I see that I am made in the image of God. (Genesis 1:27)

I am His child, whenever I ask for wisdom, He gives generously without finding fault.

(James 1:5)

True wisdom is not about gaining and storing facts inside your brain. “The wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere.” (James 3:17)  That's the wisdom I aspire to have.

It is hard to stay positive when you are the only one encouraging yourself.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalm 42:11

I don’t have any achievement that would amaze people. However, I am still proud of myself for pushing through.

I am proud of myself for spending hours in the library, for going the extra mile to make everything a learning experience.

I am proud of myself for trying.

I am proud of myself for fighting back though the darkness of anxiety and depression occasionally

whirled around my thoughts.

I am proud of myself for my accomplishments.

I am proud of the failures.

I am proud of myself for waking up, getting dressed and going to school though I only had 2 hours of sleep.

I am proud of myself for living even though

I felt so scared of the world.

I am proud of myself for learning how to be independent; for making friends, for understanding, forgiving, and making memories.

I am not going to apologize because I did not make the cut.

I will not think of myself less because I don’t have a medal hanging around my neck.

I will meditate on God’s Words of life instead of listening to what others say about me.

I am not enough. God is.

I am loved because God is love.

I could have tried harder, but I don’t want to live life with regrets.

I know I have learned so many lessons that cannot be contained

in pieces of papers.

I won’t let myself be defined by a grade nor a medal.

I won’t stop learning.

Continue Reading

Amazed By A Relentless God

Amazed By A Relentless God

Posted by Rachel on March 31, 2019 in College, Faith, Personal,

Along with the piling obligations and requirements of a graduating student, the stress is building up too. I can’t grasp how I turned to this place of desolation and despair.

Upcoming finals, deadlines, and the constant replaying of my first job interview rejection, broke the shell of the sleeping anxiety inside my core. It has been ages since I read my Bible. I am certain I compromised somewhere down the road. I prioritized other things until my mind concluded that reading the Bible wasn’t so important.

For months, emptiness continues to fill my life as I search for fulfillment. I lay in bed so desperate for God. I want to find Him, run to Him and sink into His arms but I can’t make myself do it. My days bear nothing but exhaustion, so I fall asleep without even praying.

To be honest, I am a miserable person standing in this desert longing for living water.  This experience, made me realize what life is without Jesus. Loneliness overtakes your soul and your heart is being crushed to pieces day by day. Hopelessness overtakes. My only hope is God.

The closest I could get to keep my faith going are my two prayer books. These days, whenever I open it each morning, the prayer is perfect for the plight I am facing! I trust God orchestrates moments such as this. You might say it’s a coincidence but I know otherwise. 

Again, a YouTube video popped up about the case I was pondering on. Scriptures may not attract me anymore, so He approaches me in different ways. I want to cry because of His love and faithfulness. I am such a fool for putting anything else above the Lord. He is the One who can satisfy my soul. Others may give temporary relief at the surface, but it is Jesus who can perceive through the depths of me and grant healing.

At present, my spirit asks for conviction and strength to read the Word of God. I trust that the Holy Spirit would ease my soul. God is love. This is so true. He is so merciful enough to make His presence known.

Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the LORD’s wrath, until he pleads my case and upholds my cause. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness.

Micah 7:8-9

Continue Reading

What a Low Score on a Test Taught Me

What a Low Score on a Test Taught Me

Posted by Rachel on August 10, 2018 in College, Personal,

It's hard to be happy for others when you don't fully believe that you are perfectly known, loved and accepted by God.

As my classmate celebrated the joy of having the highest score in class, I genuinely smiled and congratulated her. I connected with her happiness, but only for a minute.  I wanted to be thrilled for her but worry was taunting me that I'll never measure up. My hands turned numb as I waited for my name to be called. Why am I worrying like my life depended on this?  Will it really matter if I get a lower score compared to others?

I kept reminding myself to be content with whatever I'll get because I am fully aware that I honestly did not study hard for the test. As my name was called and the teacher handed my paper, I looked at it and my heart sank."I was right, I'll never measure up. I'm not smart. I can't do it," I thought. I felt a heaviness on my chest as my teacher told me I needed to improve. I plastered a smile pretending to be positive but deep inside I felt shame; shame for how my teacher looked at me, shame for my silence when my friends asked how much I got, shame for the envy and disappointment sprouting in my heart. I walked out of that classroom praying that God would take away this unpleasant feeling and replace it with His peace. As I waited for my ride home that night, I reflected upon the situation and here are a few things God impressed on my heart:

1. A piece of paper  doesn't dictate who I am.

An exam can test the amount of information I have learned and how I can apply it, but it doesn't and it will never dictate who I am as a person. That piece of paper doesn't know that I love Jesus. It doesn't know the little things about me. It doesn't understand what I live for. It can never show the truth of who I am. I am not a score. I am a person that God uniquely crafted with skills, knowledge, attributes and traits that a piece of paper can never contain; that a number can never measure. I remember reading this quote and it has stuck with me through the years:

 "Grades can tell you one thing, but they won't tell you everything. There are different ways of being smart."

2. It doesn't matter what others think.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

 If I am trying to win the approval of people instead of God, then I put them above His place. Others will always have a mouthful of words to say, but opinions aren't always the truth. The truth is that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God. (Psalm 139:4) I am fully known and loved despite of my grades. 

3. Whatever you  do work at it as working for the Lord.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

It's easy to be negative. It's tempting to blame my teacher, but the choice lies with me. I can choose how to react. I am aware that I did not do my best for the test, and even if I did, thinking about it as working for God wasn't on my mind. I did not think of it as using my brain to gain knowledge that I could use for His glory. I studied it with the intention to lazily get it over with. It's alluring to let myself fall in the bottomless pit of  disappointment and craft ways in order to punish myself for not doing well, however, "A cheerful heart makes good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22  I can make a choice to stay positive, to thank God for an opportunity to see His work in me, to trust that I can find my strength in His grace. 

After all, Jesus said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  2 Corinthians 12:9

4. Look in your own bag.

If I stop for a second and think: Assuming I didn't see and know about my classmates' scores, will I feel this bad about myself? I don't think so. My thoughts would rather be directed towards doing better next time. However, since I saw their scores, I ended up believing that I was the dumbest person in the world. I was dissatisfied because I did not earn the same score as others. I focused on comparing instead of being grateful to God that I passed. I let disappointment rule over me instead of allowing God's peace to reign over my heart. Several years ago, I learned this concept of looking in your own bag to stop comparing, from Nicole Unice's book, She's Got Issues. If I focused on my own bag and looked at what I got, I would be able to process the situation, accept it and have a positive attitude that with the Lord's help, I can still improve. But because I compared, it stole my joy.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." - Theodore Roosevelt

If I was grateful to God for my score, I would have had the heart to be genuinely happy for others and celebrate their victory.

Nevertheless, even though it was an unsettling feeling I praise God for it. In the midst of my envious and discouraged heart, He offered life lessons for me to grasp and meditate on. God is good all the time. Even in my lowest, He is there. In His arms I am welcomed, I can come as I am. I don't need to measure up and achieve the trophy of success in all areas of life in order for God to love me. I don't have to pass a test for Him to love me. I don't even have to do anything. I can't earn it. It's already there. Of course this doesn't mean we ought not to strive to do our best in school, but rather we should have the right mindset: work at it as working for the Lord and not for men. Let's have faith to trust that God is with us even on the days we feel we don't amount to much.

Continue Reading