Tuesday, August 21, 2018

I want to share an experience I had a year ago. 

The day had come when I was going to open up to my friends, about my struggle with anxiety and depression. I felt nervous and excited at the same time. I believed that the day was going to be amazing: I’ll have a great time with my friends, I will open up, they will understand and support me, and the heavy weight of this secret inside my soul will be lifted up.

However, things don’t always turn out the way you expect them to. Right?

I went to our meeting place. I got there earlier and everyone was running late. I waited…and waited… and waited. I sat until I felt like my butt burned. I walked around ‘til I felt like a hundred crabs were clinging on my legs. I waited for two hours. Finally, they came one by one. We ate, went to the movies and eventually settled in a coffee shop to talk. I could feel the atmosphere wasn’t right and I did not have the energy to chat. My friends prodded me, and I got nervous and afraid that they wouldn’t understand. I opened my mouth to talk, and the heaviness engrasped me at the thought of releasing my story with discomfort. I felt tears start to formulate in my eyes ( this always happens when I’m about to talk about something personal. I can’t help it! Haha) They continued to joke around as I swiftly wiped a tear or two. I proceeded to tell them a quick overview of everything leaving out the details. I was seeking for comfort and assurance but what I got was none of those. Rather, there was disbelief and unsolicited advice to stop carrying the world's burdens on my shoulders. I knew they were confused and I understood. We switched topics. And inside, my heart was breaking with regrets. I wish I never told them.

When I got home, I slumped heavily on my chair, opened up my journal and wrote these very words:
"Today, I tried to talk about my struggle with anxiety and depression, I didn’t think they (referring to my friends) understood me Lord or maybe I didn’t trust them enough to understand me. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to talk to without burdening them."
I stopped. I stared at the mirror, hoping, longing for a friend, for someone to understand, to hold my hand and tell me everything’s gonna be alright. Tears started to fall and I broke out into sobs of sorrow, shame and loneliness. Nobody understands me. 

“Jesus I need a friend.” I whispered.
"I need a friend." I repeated to myself.

I prayed about this for days. When Sabbath came, I resorted to watch Hope Sabbath School since I needed encouragement. Towards the end, a woman shared how in the midst of trials she doesn’t feel alone because she knows Jesus is her Friend and He will always be with her.

I caught my breath. My heart was overwhelmed as I grasped how deep, wide and immeasurable the love of God is. The Best friend that I needed was right there beside me all along but I failed to see Him because I was too distracted trying to find someone I could see, hear and touch. That day Jesus spoke to me. He reminded me, through those words, that He is my friend. My Best Friend. He fills up my deepest desires and needs like no one else can. He sends the Holy Spirit to comfort my soul-to shower me with peace that comes from Heaven. He never leaves me nor forsakes me. Jesus pursues and walks with me through trials. He is patient with me. Most of all He listens to every word I say, and catches every tear I cry, not one of them is neglected. Nothing can ever separate me from His love.

Sometimes God allows us to go through the deep pain of loneliness so that Jesus can let us feel and experience His wonderful friendship, in order for us to open our eyes and realize He is all we need; to realize He sympathizes with us, to trust that we are okay even if the rest of the world turns their backs on us. We are alright because Jesus is there. He is listening, He is holding our hand as we trod this path of life.

After weeks, one of my friends whom I opened up to that day at the coffee shop, handed me a letter. I was surprised, wondering what could it be. I opened it at home and read her words of sympathy and apology for what I was going through. That melted my heart and made me whisper “Thank you Jesus.”

I found the courage to open up again to another trusted friend who was able to receive my struggles with a listening ear and understanding.

I also dated a guy who later on became my best friend too. He became the friend who understood, comforted and prayed for me. God is good. I’m grateful that He let me experience the blessing of His friendship before giving me the blessing of friends. Our friends may fail us, hurt us unintentionally, may not understand but it doesn’t mean they are bad people, or that the love and care isn’t there. It simply means just that: they don’t understand. And that’s okay.

I don’t hold it against my friends during that time even if I was hurt. I am aware that not everyone will comprehend our stories which is fine. God will bless us with people who will. But if not, then we know that He is already enough.

These days I’m constantly making a decision to run to Jesus before turning to anyone else. In the midst of loneliness, I’m learning  to whisper, “Jesus, be my Friend.” I want to be made whole in Him. Isn’t  it amazing that the Savior of the world is also our Best Friend?

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13

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I can totally relate.....I too have struggled with anxiety and depression and know how lonely it can feel. People you thought would be there for you aren't. I have also learned like you that Jesus is our best friend! He is also to faithful to place those in our lives who will love on us and pray with us and be there even in the dark times. Sometimes it's the unexpected people in our lives. Thanks for sharing your story!


Hi Amy! Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Yes Jesus is faithful and He knows what's best for us including areas of our friendships. I'm so glad I got to connect with you.


Run to Jesus... Stopping here from Blessing Bloggers and following.

Blessings to you in this tough journey!

Marie @ http://asatisfiedspirit.com


Prayers for you in this journey. I've struggled with the same and it can be crippling. Thanks for your openess and honesty


Hi Marie! Thanks for stopping by and for following. I'm excited to visit your blog.


Thank you so much Lis! Yes it can be hard but Jesus is with us through it all. 😊


I can completely relate. It wasn't until I really received God's presence as all that I needed that He brought me friends. New friends that He selected for me. He is so good sweet sister! Love your story!! ❤


I also suffer with depression and anxiety. Thank you for sharing. Here from the Christian women bloggers group, where I am new.


This is so true... Just experienced it again last night. The friend not understanding, but Jesus does. Thanks for having the courage to share!


"New friends that He selected for me." I love that! Thanks! Jesus loves us so much.❤️


It's a tough journey. Thank you for taking the time to read and welcome to the group Shelley. 😊


I'm so grateful Jesus does. Sending you a virtual hug! Stay strong Christi.


Yes, forever and always. 😊


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