Thursday, May 2, 2019


Not for me, but for the people who expected so much from me. I know I have disappointed them. And it hurts. A lot.

My name on the yearbook will forever be without a title, without an honor to remember.  When people would look at me, they wouldn’t think of me as smart because I don’t have a badge to prove it.

Did I want to graduate with honors? I have never really thought about it. I was busy living in the moment and surviving from the crippling lures of anxiety that I never really thought about it.

I guess you can say, it’s not important to me. That’s okay. But when I go out of my head and into reality, I realize that it is very very very important to people and to societyYikes! I didn’t make it. What now?

Sometimes I would sit and think to myself, am I intelligent? Because lately, I have been feeling that I am not. However, when I look to Scripture I see that I am made in the image of God. (Genesis 1:27)

I am His child, whenever I ask for wisdom, He gives generously without finding fault.
(James 1:5)

True wisdom is not about gaining and storing facts inside your brain. The wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere.” (James 3:17)  That's the wisdom I aspire to have.

It is hard to stay positive when you are the only one encouraging yourself.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalm 42:11

I don’t have any achievement that would amaze people. However, I am still proud of myself for pushing through.

I am proud of myself for spending hours in the library, for going the extra mile to make everything a learning experience.
I am proud of myself for trying.

I am proud of myself for fighting back though the darkness of anxiety and depression occasionally
whirled around my thoughts.
I am proud of myself for my accomplishments.
I am proud of the failures.

I am proud of myself for waking up, getting dressed and going to school though I only had 2 hours of sleep.
I am proud of myself for living even though
I felt so scared of the world.

I am proud of myself for learning how to be independent; for making friends, for understanding, forgiving, and making memories.

I am not going to apologize because I did not make the cut.
I will not think of myself less because I don’t have a medal hanging around my neck.
I will meditate on God’s Words of life instead of listening to what others say about me.

I am not enough. God is.
I am loved because God is love.
I could have tried harder, but I don’t want to live life with regrets.
I know I have learned so many lessons that cannot be contained
in pieces of papers.
I won’t let myself be defined by a grade nor a medal.
I won’t stop learning.

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I never even went to college. LOL
Graduating is enough in my eyes and a lot of others. Many 'billionaire' CEO's don't care about you even having a degree. They just want to know if you have a track record of excellence or not. It is all very interesting.


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