How God Met Me in My Loneliness

How God Met Me in My Loneliness

Posted by Rachel on August 21, 2018 in Personal,

I want to share an experience I had a year ago. 

The day had come when I was going to open up to my friends, about my struggle with anxiety and depression. I felt nervous and excited at the same time. I believed that the day was going to be amazing: I’ll have a great time with my friends, I will open up, they will understand and support me, and the heavy weight of this secret inside my soul will be lifted up.

However, things don’t always turn out the way you expect them to. Right?

I went to our meeting place. I got there earlier and everyone was running late. I waited…and waited… and waited. I sat until I felt like my butt burned. I walked around ‘til I felt like a hundred crabs were clinging on my legs. I waited for two hours. Finally, they came one by one. We ate, went to the movies and eventually settled in a coffee shop to talk. I could feel the atmosphere wasn’t right and I did not have the energy to chat. My friends prodded me, and I got nervous and afraid that they wouldn’t understand. I opened my mouth to talk, and the heaviness engrasped me at the thought of releasing my story with discomfort. I felt tears start to formulate in my eyes ( this always happens when I’m about to talk about something personal. I can’t help it! Haha) They continued to joke around as I swiftly wiped a tear or two. I proceeded to tell them a quick overview of everything leaving out the details. I was seeking for comfort and assurance but what I got was none of those. Rather, there was disbelief and unsolicited advice to stop carrying the world's burdens on my shoulders. I knew they were confused and I understood. We switched topics. And inside, my heart was breaking with regrets. I wish I never told them.

When I got home, I slumped heavily on my chair, opened up my journal and wrote these very words:

"Today, I tried to talk about my struggle with anxiety and depression, I didn’t think they (referring to my friends) understood me Lord or maybe I didn’t trust them enough to understand me. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to talk to without burdening them."

I stopped. I stared at the mirror, hoping, longing for a friend, for someone to understand, to hold my hand and tell me everything’s gonna be alright. Tears started to fall and I broke out into sobs of sorrow, shame and loneliness. Nobody understands me. 

“Jesus I need a friend.” I whispered.

"I need a friend." I repeated to myself.

I prayed about this for days. When Sabbath came, I resorted to watch Hope Sabbath School since I needed encouragement. Towards the end, a woman shared how in the midst of trials she doesn’t feel alone because she knows Jesus is her Friend and He will always be with her.

I caught my breath. My heart was overwhelmed as I grasped how deep, wide and immeasurable the love of God is. The Best friend that I needed was right there beside me all along but I failed to see Him because I was too distracted trying to find someone I could see, hear and touch. That day Jesus spoke to me. He reminded me, through those words, that He is my friend. My Best Friend. He fills up my deepest desires and needs like no one else can. He sends the Holy Spirit to comfort my soul-to shower me with peace that comes from Heaven. He never leaves me nor forsakes me. Jesus pursues and walks with me through trials. He is patient with me. Most of all He listens to every word I say, and catches every tear I cry, not one of them is neglected. Nothing can ever separate me from His love.

Sometimes God allows us to go through the deep pain of loneliness so that Jesus can let us feel and experience His wonderful friendship, in order for us to open our eyes and realize He is all we need; to realize He sympathizes with us, to trust that we are okay even if the rest of the world turns their backs on us. We are alright because Jesus is there. He is listening, He is holding our hand as we trod this path of life.

After weeks, one of my friends whom I opened up to that day at the coffee shop, handed me a letter. I was surprised, wondering what could it be. I opened it at home and read her words of sympathy and apology for what I was going through. That melted my heart and made me whisper “Thank you Jesus.”

I found the courage to open up again to another trusted friend who was able to receive my struggles with a listening ear and understanding.

I also dated a guy who later on became my best friend too. He became the friend who understood, comforted and prayed for me. God is good. I’m grateful that He let me experience the blessing of His friendship before giving me the blessing of friends. Our friends may fail us, hurt us unintentionally, may not understand but it doesn’t mean they are bad people, or that the love and care isn’t there. It simply means just that: they don’t understand. And that’s okay.

I don’t hold it against my friends during that time even if I was hurt. I am aware that not everyone will comprehend our stories which is fine. God will bless us with people who will. But if not, then we know that He is already enough.

These days I’m constantly making a decision to run to Jesus before turning to anyone else. In the midst of loneliness, I’m learning  to whisper, “Jesus, be my Friend.” I want to be made whole in Him. Isn’t  it amazing that the Savior of the world is also our Best Friend?

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13

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Hearts Not Troubled

Hearts Not Troubled

Posted by Rachel on August 14, 2018 in Personal,

It's been a month since I started blogging. Today, I share the inspiration behind the name of this blog.

I have suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember. I lived with fear. But it isn’t the type that’s evidently shown but rather the gnawing discomfort of nervousness inside my soul: the pounding of chest, drying of mouth, hands turning cold, mind racing with thoughts that run faster than a bullet; that kind of fear. I carried the weight of fear inside my heart since I was a little girl.

The fear that walks around my heart like a boss and stomps it dusty feet of lies on my chest.

The fear that never makes me forget every single mistake I have ever made in my entire life.

The fear that never lets me do anything new.

The fear that won’t let me sleep, won’t let me rest, won’t give me peace.

The fear that creates an illusion that I am gonna die any minute now.

Before I fell in love with Jesus, my heart was always troubled. Every beat of it whispered, trouble, trouble, trouble, is coming so you better run. And I didn’t know how to run from myself. When the Holy Spirit came to visit my heart, He showed me that fear wasn’t the only one living there, its mother, Insecurity, was the boss of it all. Insecurity was the root of fear, shame, lust and perfectionism. And ironically it disguised itself as my safety. I clinged to it for identity.

I was convicted and I needed to repent. I invited Jesus into my heart and He commanded them to leave. He took insecurity and gave me security and peace. Peace not of this world but the peace that passes understanding, peace that is never ending. Now my heart beats peace, peace, peace, you have peace.

When insecurity has lived in your heart for so long, it becomes familiar, it becomes the norm. The moment God renewed my heart, I felt His peace. But sometimes I can feel insecurity creeping back in, fighting to have a place in my heart. I remind myself that Jesus owns my heart now. He tells me not to be troubled.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.  My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:1-3

He is coming for me.

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What a Low Score on a Test Taught Me

What a Low Score on a Test Taught Me

Posted by Rachel on August 10, 2018 in College, Personal,

It's hard to be happy for others when you don't fully believe that you are perfectly known, loved and accepted by God.

As my classmate celebrated the joy of having the highest score in class, I genuinely smiled and congratulated her. I connected with her happiness, but only for a minute.  I wanted to be thrilled for her but worry was taunting me that I'll never measure up. My hands turned numb as I waited for my name to be called. Why am I worrying like my life depended on this?  Will it really matter if I get a lower score compared to others?

I kept reminding myself to be content with whatever I'll get because I am fully aware that I honestly did not study hard for the test. As my name was called and the teacher handed my paper, I looked at it and my heart sank."I was right, I'll never measure up. I'm not smart. I can't do it," I thought. I felt a heaviness on my chest as my teacher told me I needed to improve. I plastered a smile pretending to be positive but deep inside I felt shame; shame for how my teacher looked at me, shame for my silence when my friends asked how much I got, shame for the envy and disappointment sprouting in my heart. I walked out of that classroom praying that God would take away this unpleasant feeling and replace it with His peace. As I waited for my ride home that night, I reflected upon the situation and here are a few things God impressed on my heart:

1. A piece of paper  doesn't dictate who I am.

An exam can test the amount of information I have learned and how I can apply it, but it doesn't and it will never dictate who I am as a person. That piece of paper doesn't know that I love Jesus. It doesn't know the little things about me. It doesn't understand what I live for. It can never show the truth of who I am. I am not a score. I am a person that God uniquely crafted with skills, knowledge, attributes and traits that a piece of paper can never contain; that a number can never measure. I remember reading this quote and it has stuck with me through the years:

 "Grades can tell you one thing, but they won't tell you everything. There are different ways of being smart."

2. It doesn't matter what others think.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

 If I am trying to win the approval of people instead of God, then I put them above His place. Others will always have a mouthful of words to say, but opinions aren't always the truth. The truth is that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God. (Psalm 139:4) I am fully known and loved despite of my grades. 

3. Whatever you  do work at it as working for the Lord.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

It's easy to be negative. It's tempting to blame my teacher, but the choice lies with me. I can choose how to react. I am aware that I did not do my best for the test, and even if I did, thinking about it as working for God wasn't on my mind. I did not think of it as using my brain to gain knowledge that I could use for His glory. I studied it with the intention to lazily get it over with. It's alluring to let myself fall in the bottomless pit of  disappointment and craft ways in order to punish myself for not doing well, however, "A cheerful heart makes good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22  I can make a choice to stay positive, to thank God for an opportunity to see His work in me, to trust that I can find my strength in His grace. 

After all, Jesus said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  2 Corinthians 12:9

4. Look in your own bag.

If I stop for a second and think: Assuming I didn't see and know about my classmates' scores, will I feel this bad about myself? I don't think so. My thoughts would rather be directed towards doing better next time. However, since I saw their scores, I ended up believing that I was the dumbest person in the world. I was dissatisfied because I did not earn the same score as others. I focused on comparing instead of being grateful to God that I passed. I let disappointment rule over me instead of allowing God's peace to reign over my heart. Several years ago, I learned this concept of looking in your own bag to stop comparing, from Nicole Unice's book, She's Got Issues. If I focused on my own bag and looked at what I got, I would be able to process the situation, accept it and have a positive attitude that with the Lord's help, I can still improve. But because I compared, it stole my joy.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." - Theodore Roosevelt

If I was grateful to God for my score, I would have had the heart to be genuinely happy for others and celebrate their victory.

Nevertheless, even though it was an unsettling feeling I praise God for it. In the midst of my envious and discouraged heart, He offered life lessons for me to grasp and meditate on. God is good all the time. Even in my lowest, He is there. In His arms I am welcomed, I can come as I am. I don't need to measure up and achieve the trophy of success in all areas of life in order for God to love me. I don't have to pass a test for Him to love me. I don't even have to do anything. I can't earn it. It's already there. Of course this doesn't mean we ought not to strive to do our best in school, but rather we should have the right mindset: work at it as working for the Lord and not for men. Let's have faith to trust that God is with us even on the days we feel we don't amount to much.

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Now is the Time

Now is the Time

Posted by Rachel on August 04, 2018 in Sermon Notes,

Date: August 4, 2018 

Speaker: Merlin Parsons 
Passage: Acts 6:7

"So the word of God spread. The number of disciples in Jerusalem increased rapidly, and a large number of priests became obedient to the faith.''

• Jesus' last message to the disciples:

     Matthew 28:18-20

"Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Acts 1:8 

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

• The apostles joined constantly in prayer and waited for the Holy Spirit to come.
• The people were cut to the heart and asked Peter and the apostles what they should do. 

"Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for all whom the Lord our God will call." Acts 2:38-39

• "And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Acts 2:47

Everyday souls were saved for the Kingdom.

• We often assume that the growth of the church was because of Peter and John only, but that was not so.

"They devoted themselves (the believers) to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Acts 2:42-47

Basic formula for church growth: 

1. Quality Bible Study.

• "They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching..." Acts 2:42
• The apostles taught from the Word of God. Each of the believers studied the Word. 
• We need to put emphasis on Bible study.
• Join a small group of Bible study.
• Know your Bible. Read it everyday.
• The speakers in the church should have full knowledge of the Bible.

2. Quality Worship.

• "They devoted themselves........to prayer." Acts 2:42
• Everything we do should be in worship to God. 
• Worship God, not only in the church but in everyday life.
• In church, we should direct our focus and attention towards God.
• We need to return to our first love, Christ and His church.
• The speakers in church should be prayerful.

3. Quality Community Building.

•  "All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need." Acts 2:44-45
• The believers helped and supported each other.
• Most people leave our church not because of doctrine but because someone looked at them with a judgmental eye. Someone was unkind to them, they had no support from the church, they sat the back and no one ever talked to them.

They leave not because of doctrine but because of an unkind and unfriendly church community.

4. We need to be a Prayer Centered Church.

• There are three types of churches:

1. Prayerless church - focused on the program of the church rather than prayer.
2. Churches with prayer - same prayers repeated over and over again.
3. Praying church - places prayer at the center of all activities.

• We need to pray before we do anything because everything we do must be done for the glory of God.
• The whole church must learn to pray and be united in prayer.
• Don't pray that there will be no persecution, but pray that you will live through it.

Why do we need each other?

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." Ephesians 6:12-13

"above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one." Ephesians 6:16

• Faith needs to build with others.
• Faith - first line of defense against the enemy's attacks.
• Shield - 3 and a half feet tall and 2 feet wide.
• In a Roman legion, the soldier stands side by side with their shields.
• A soldier requires other soldiers in order to fully protect each other. In the same way, we need each other to stand strong.
• If you stand alone, you are exposed to the enemy's attacks.
• A shield is the only armor that requires a community. 

 Jesus said, "I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd." John 10:16

Jesus won't send them to our church, if we are out to destroy them because our hearts are not right with God. 

In Deuteronomy 6:6-9, Moses, before he died, encouraged the children of Israel to continue to tell their stories. Because stories build faith.

A pastor's wife was praying to God to show her His heart. One night, she dreamt that she was in the New Jerusalem. The walls were covered with glass and she could see from the inside out. It seemed to her that she saw a shadow. But that shadow turn out to be people. They approached the New Jerusalem. Among the crowd, she saw her son, crying and shouting, "Mom, let me in." Her heart broke and she cried but she couldn't do anything. She woke up feeling horrified from that dream. 

God's heart is breaking for every lost soul like a mother's heart is breaking for her son.

Now is the time... to read our Bibles and pray everyday.
Now is the time... to welcome others to our church.
Now is the time... to stop gossiping and criticizing others.
Now is the time... to build a loving church community.
Now is the time... to become a first love church.

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The Bible and Me

The Bible and Me

Posted by Rachel on July 24, 2018 in Personal,

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

Eight years old. 

Deuteronomy 5:6 and Psalm 19. I know these Scripture texts by heart. I can even recite it for you if you’d like. You see, my Dad lets us read it everyday. We sit together and take turns reading the verses. My favorite Bible verse is Psalm 19:20 which says,”Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in your sight, oh Yahweh, my Rock and my Redeemer.” I even include it in my prayers. I like it. But, you know what I don’t like? Our Bible reading during the Sabbath! We read long chapters with big, deep words that I don’t even understand.

While my Dad and my brother are reading, I let my mind wonder into things that I could be doing instead of sitting down and reading this boring book. Why can’t we read the picture Bible instead? I wonder what we'll have for dinner. I sure would want some Mac n cheese..

“So what happened here?” Oooops! Dad is asking me a question.

“You’re not paying attention are you?,” He says.

I shrink myself and listen as Dad lectures me.

That was the worst part! Dad’s questions. My brother seems to know the answers all the time. But how can I know? I’m just a little girl! Hmmm… maybe I should pay attention next time.

Fourteen years old.

It’s the Sabbath and I’m reading a novel while my Bible sits on the dresser. I feel a little guilty but hey, this story has a moral lesson too. We will have our Bible reading later anyway, so it’s fine. We read the Bible everyday as a family. Even though I don’t pay attention and daydream at times, it’s still reading. I also have my personal devotional which has Bible verses in there too. And before I study and do my homework, I read some of the Psalms even though I try to rush it a bit. But at least I read!

It’s all right. It’s not like I haven’t tried to read the Bible on my own, trust me, I have. And it wasn’t very interesting to me. Some of the chapters were so long and school work usually gets in the way. It’s hard to pick up where I left.

I actually would love to sit down and read it someday. But there are far more interesting books to read right now. So it’s acceptable. But why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel like the Bible is calling me every time I look at it? I have this longing inside my heart to just take it and read it and put all my mind, heart and soul in it. I just can’t seem to find the right time.

Sixteen years old.

That’s it! I can't take this feeling anymore. I’m reading you, Bible! First, I need to pray for the Holy Spirit. Okay, let’s read. I’m going to start in Genesis. Wow! I’ve read this countless times during our Bible reading, how can I have missed these wonderful truths?

This is amazing! I don’t want to ever stop reading the Bible. This makes me feel sooo gooood! I love it!! I'm going to read this everyday. This is the best Book ever.

I am falling and growing in love with Jesus. All these years, I’ve missed this Truth. But now, God has opened my mind, heart and soul to accept, truly read and focus on His Word.

Today.

I now look back at my life and I can see how deceiving we can be to ourselves. The Word was there with me all these years, but I never opened my heart to it.

I felt the Holy Spirit has been calling me to truly focus on His Word, but I just ignored Him. I’m so thankful He never stopped convicting me. Right now, the Bible is the most important thing I own. And I can’t just keep it to myself, I love to share it!

Reading the Bible, was one of the ways God used to speak the Truth to me, to convict me and to captivate my heart. I got to personally know the God that I am worshiping and I fell in love with Him.

If you feel compelled to read the Bible, please do so. You won’t ever regret it. It will bring joy, peace, and healing to your soul.

How has the Bible changed your life? I'd love to know about it in the comments below.

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Miracles in God's Hands

Miracles in God's Hands

Posted by Rachel on July 21, 2018 in Sermon Notes,

Date: July 14, 2018

Speaker: Pastor Kerry Estrebilla

Passage: Mark 6:38-44

"How many loaves do you have?” he asked. “Go and see.” When they found out, they said, “Five—and two fish.”  Then Jesus directed them to have all the people sit down in groups on the green grass.  So they sat down in groups of hundreds and fifties. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to distribute to the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish.  The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand. "

Jeremy Yap

Key Points:

• Feeding of thousands - only miracle of Jesus which is recorded in all the four gospels.
• When He saw them, He had compassion on them. (Mark 6:34)
• Disciples' two suggestions: (1) Send the people away to find their own food. (2) Raise enough money to buy food for everyone. (Mark 6:35-37)
• Barley - considered an inferior food during those times.
• Small fish - considered as a "relish".

"Jesus looked at the situation, not as a problem, but as an opportunity to trust the Father and glorify His name."

In the same way, we should look at the problems and trials we face in life. They are opportunities for us to trust and see how God will work things out for our good. What really amazed me in this sermon, was that Pastor Kerry pointed out that the miracle happened in Jesus' hands. I never thought of this before! I thought it came out of the basket.😂 But if we read the passage, Jesus gave thanks, broke the bread and gave it to the disciples. The miracle happened in the hands of Jesus! (My personal reflections.)

"The miracle happened in the hands of Jesus."

• If you want a miracle, you need to place yourself in His hands. 
• "When we work, we work; when we pray, God works." - Max Lucado 
• MORE PRAYER, LESS TALK.

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Meeting the Needs of the Family

Meeting the Needs of the Family

Posted by Rachel on July 17, 2018 in Collegiate Quarterly,

 They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.  Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

Acts 2:42-47

Let's break down this passage. What did they do?

 They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to breaking of bread and to prayer. 

The believers weren't just following a trend of religion.They were true, loyal and sincere to what they believed in. They were diligent in learning more about the Word of God. They devoted time in fellowship and communion. In the breaking of bread, they celebrated the memorial of Jesus' death. They expressed their love and need for Him through steadfast prayer. 

The apostles performed many wonders and signs.

In the name of Jesus Christ, the apostles were able to perform many wonders and signs such as healing, raising of the dead, casting out of the demons. This fulfills what Jesus preached in Mark 16:17-18.

They were together and had everything in common.

Because of their love for one another, each of their possessions were used for the common good of the believers.

They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.

Materials and possessions no longer held a priority in their hearts that they were willing to sell them and give to anyone who was in need. "This was not to destroy property, but selfishness." (Matthew Henry Bible Commentary)

 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. 

They met together in the temple courts to teach.

They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people.

They met in homes for fellowship.

Alexis Brown

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Let Your Light Shine

Let Your Light Shine

Posted by Rachel on July 16, 2018 in Collegiate Quarterly,

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

We need Jesus' light within us in order to shine. Our hearts should be open to the outpouring of the Holy Spirit.

"Christ has made provision that His church shall be a transformed body, illumined with the light of heaven, possessing the glory of Immanuel. It is His purpose that every Christian shall be surrounded with a spiritual atmosphere of light and peace. There is no limit to the usefulness of the one who, putting self aside, makes room for the working of the Holy Spirit upon his heart and lives a life wholly consecrated to God."

- Ellen G. White (Counsels for the Church, p. 99) 

"Christ does not bid His followers strive to shine. He says, Let your light shine. If you have received the grace of God, the light is in you. Remove the obstructions, and the Lord's glory will be revealed. The light will shine forth to penetrate and dispel the darkness. You cannot help shining within the range of your influence."

- Ellen G. White (Christ's Object Lessons, p. 420)  

REACT

1. How do we receive the grace of God so that His light will be in us?

• Surrender to God.
• Die to self daily.
• Pray for the outpouring of the Holy Spirit.
• Study the Word of God.
• Acknowledge that our light comes from Jesus.

As White says, we don't have to strive. If we are spending time with Jesus, His light will flow freely and naturally through us. It will evidently show we love and serve Him.

2. What kind of  things can we do in the campus and workplace to let our light shine before others?Share your thoughts in the comments below and let's discuss!

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