Tuesday, January 8, 2019

I have always strived for perfection ever since I was a little girl. With my test papers and home works, I wanted them to be perfect. I tried to leave no room for mistakes. Looking back, it's funny how I would get depressed whenever a teacher would scold me, I would play it over and over my head and beat myself up for it. Whenever I said or did the wrong thing, I would go home with a heavy heart and think to myself how could I be such a failure? Sadly, I brought this habit into my adult life. It went from school works to life in general. 

As I overcame my need for perfection in grades, it went on to my need for perfection with my looks and in my relationships with other people (even in my relationship with God!) I wanted perfection in just about EVERYTHING. It is a tremendous struggle for me to accept that I am not perfect and I will never be. 

When I realized this heavy burden, I looked up books and articles to know and understand why I feel this way. One article has helped me to recognize a sin that is hiding in my heart: My desire to be like God (which springs from insecurity). I am insecure in who I am which is why I leave no room for mistakes. I believed that the only way that people would like or love me is if I am perfect. This sucks big time because I beat myself up for past mistakes. I hate conflict; I tend to blame myself whenever something bad happens. 

Sometimes I feel responsible for my friends’ mistakes. I find it hard to say no because I am afraid that people will stop liking me if I don’t conform to their wants and needs. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked the Holy Spirit to whisper Galatians 1:10 over my heart!

Sometimes I would lie awake at night and replay the stupid things I have done in my life and my heart wrenches as my brain becomes disappointed. Writing this down makes me realize my desperate need for Jesus. Friends, I am grateful for a God who sees the suffering of my heart. I am in sorrow for how I have shaped my life and for how I have treated myself. 

These days, I am learning to accept that I am weak but God is my strength. I still believe there is hope for me to embrace my humanity. I believe God will take this thorn of insecurity out of my heart and replace it with His love. But even if He doesn't, He is still good. His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

I want to open my eyes and see that Christ died for me. His blood is enough to cover the imperfections of my life. I can rest under the shadow of His wings, just being the flawed me because I trust that He is God and I am not. It takes time but I’ll get there.

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